Gynzer’s Musings

As chaplain in a university residence hall, I am supposed
to uphold all of the school rules, which include a ban on
pets. That changed when a kitten adopted me.

The freshmen in my dorm kept my secret. They covered for
me by calling my kitten “the Book,” since I had so many in
my room.

One morning I was leaving the dorm with the kitten in a
carrier. A student stopped me and asked, “Where are you
taking the Book?”

I exlained that I was taking the kitten to the vet. “She’s
getting neutered today,” I told him.

“Hmmm,” the student responded, “no sequels.”

Martin was a slow worker and found it difficult to hold down a job. After a visit to the job centre he was offered work at the local Zoo.

When he arrived for his first day, the keeper aware of his reputation told him to take care of the tortoise section.

Later, the keeper dropped by to see how Martin was getting on and found him standing by an empty enclosure.
“Where are the tortoises?” he asked him.

“I can’t believe it” said Martin “I just opened the door and then…..Whooooosh!”

1. I will not play tug-of-war with Daddy’s underwear when
he’s on the can.

2. I will remember the garbage collector is NOT stealing
our stuff.

3. I will not suddenly stand straight up when I’m lying
under the coffee table.

4. I will not roll my toys behind the fridge.

5. I will shake the rainwater out of my fur BEFORE
entering the house.

6. I will not eat the cat’s food, before, or after, he
eats it.

7. I will stop trying to find new places on the carpet
when I am about to throw up.

8. I will not throw up in the car.

9. I will not roll on dead things.

10. I will stop considering the cat’s litter box as a
cookie jar.

11. I will not wake up Mommy by putting my cold, wet nose
up her bottom end.

12 . I will not chew my human’s toothbrush and not tell
them.

13. I will not chew crayons or pens, especially not the
red ones, or my people will think that I am hemorrhaging.

14. When in the car, I will not insist on having the
window rolled down when it’s raining outside.

15. I will not drop soggy tennis balls in the underwear of
anyone who is sitting on the can.

16. We do not have a doorbell. Therefore, I will not bark
each time I hear one on the television.

17. I will not steal my Mommy’s underwear out of the
laundry basket and then dance all over the back yard with
them.

18. I will remember the sofa is not a face towel and
neither are Mommy’s & Daddy’s laps.

19. I will remember my head does not belong in the
refrigerator.

20. I will not bite the officer’s hand when he reaches in
for Mommy’s driver’s license and car registration.

The police recently busted a man selling ’secret formula’ tablets he claimed gave eternal youth.

When going through their files they noticed it was the fifth time he was caught for committing this same criminal medical fraud.

He had earlier been arrested in 1794, 1856, 1928 and 1983.

A parts manager for a small electronics shop, had occasion to order part No. 669 from the factory. But when he received it he noticed that someone had sent part No. 699 instead.

Furious at the factory’s incompetence, he promptly sent the part back along with a letter giving them a piece of his mind.

Less than a week later, he received the same part back with a letter containing just four words: “TURN THE PART OVER.”

A guy walks into a post office one day to see a middle-aged, balding man standing at the counter methodically placing “Love” stamps on bright pink envelopes with hearts all over them. He then takes out a perfume bottle and starts spraying scent all over them.

His curiosity getting the better of him, he goes up to the balding man and asks him what he is doing. The man says “I’m sending out 1,000 Valentine cards signed, ‘Guess who?’”

“But why?” asks the man.

“I’m a divorce lawyer,” the man replies.

My brother Ken was home on leave from his post in Hawaii,
when he announced that he had just been promoted to
lieutenant commander. We were all pleased with the news,
but some of us less knowledgeable about military rankings
asked Ken to explain what the promotion meant.

After several failed attempts to get us to understand, he
sighed and said, “Before, I was Hawkeye Pierce, and now
I’m Frank Burns.”

Expressions of understanding immediately lit the room.

The best way to keep your daughter out of hot water is to put some dishes in it.

When my three-year-old son opened the birthday gift from his grandmother, he discovered a water pistol. He squealed with delight and headed for the nearest sink. I was not so pleased.

I turned to Mom and said, “I’m surprised at you. Don’t you remember how we used to drive you crazy with water guns?”

Mom smiled and then replied…..”I remember.”

Foot: A special device for finding furniture in the dark.