Archive for June, 2004

File Your Complaint here

Saturday, June 5th, 2004

File Your Complaint Here!!!

Carrying the Flashlight

Thursday, June 3rd, 2004

A New York boy was being led through the swamps of Louisiana by his cousin.

“Is it true that an alligator won’t attack you if you carry a flashlight?”

The cousin smirked and replied, “Depends on how fast ya carry the flashlight.”

Bread Statistics

Wednesday, June 2nd, 2004

1. More than 98 percent of convicted felons are bread users.

2. Fully HALF of all children who grow up in
bread-consuming households score below average on
standardized tests.

3. In the 18th century, when virtually all bread was baked
in the home, the average life expectancy was less than 50
years; infant mortality rates were unacceptably high; many
women died in childbirth; and diseases such as typhoid,
yellow fever, and influenza ravaged whole nations.

4. More than 90 percent of violent crimes are committed
within 24 hours of eating bread.

5. Bread is made from a substance called “dough.” It has
been proven that as little as one pound of dough can be
used to suffocate a mouse. The average American eats more
bread than that in one month!

6. Primitive tribal societies that have no bread exhibit a
low incidence of cancer, Alzheimer’s, Parkinson’s disease,
and osteoporosis.

7. Bread has been proven to be addictive. Subjects
deprived of bread and given only water to eat begged for
bread after as little as two days.

8. Bread is often a “gateway” food item, leading the user
to “harder” items such as butter, jelly, peanut butter,
and even cold cuts.

9. Bread has been proven to absorb water. Since the human
body is more than 90 percent water, it follows that eating
bread could lead to your body being taken over by this
absorptive food product, turning you into a soggy, gooey
bread-pudding person.

10. Newborn babies can choke on bread.

11. Bread is baked at temperatures as high as 400 degrees
Fahrenheit! That kind of heat can kill an adult in less
than one minute.

12. Most American bread eaters are utterly unable to
distinguish between significant scientific fact and
meaningless statistical babbling.

In light of these frightening statistics, we propose the
following bread restrictions:

1. No sale of bread to minors.

2. A nationwide “Just Say No To Toast” campaign, with
complete celebrity TV spots and bumper stickers.

3. A 300 percent federal tax on all bread to pay for all
the societal ills we might associate with bread.

4. No animal or human images, nor any primary colors
(which may appeal to children) may be used to
promote bread usage.

5. The establishment of “Bread-free” zones around schools.

The Dateless Physicist

Tuesday, June 1st, 2004

Every Friday after work, a mathematician goes down to the Ice Cream Parlor, sits in the second-to-last seat, turns to the last seat, which is empty, and asks a girl, who isn’t there, if he can buy her an ice cream cone.

The owner, who is used to the weird, local university types, always shrugs but keeps quiet. But when Valentine’s Day arrives, and the mathematician makes a particularly heart wrenching plea into empty space, curiosity gets the better of him, and he says, “I apologize for my stupid questions, but surely you know there is NEVER a woman sitting in that last stool, man. Why do you persist in asking out empty space?”

The mathematician replies, “Well, according to quantum physics, empty space is never truly empty. Virtual particles come into existence and vanish all the time. You never know when the proper wave function will collapse and a girl might suddenly appear there.”

The owner raises his eyebrows. “Really? Interesting. But couldn’t you just ask one of the girls who comes here every Friday if you could buy HER a cone? Never know… she might say yes.”

The mathematician laughs. “Yeah, right. How likely is THAT to happen?”