Archive for April, 2004

36 Things You WIll Never Hear a Southern Man Say

Thursday, April 29th, 2004

36. I’ll take Shakespeare for 1000, Alex.

35. Honey, I think we should sell the pickup and buy a
family sedan.

34. Come to think of it, I’ll have a Heineken.

33. We don’t keep firearms in this house.

32. Has anybody seen the sideburns trimmer?

31. You can’t feed that to the dog.

30. I thought Graceland was tacky.

29. No kids in the back of the pickup, it’s just not safe.

28. Wrestling’s fake.

27. Honey, did you mail that donation to Greenpeace?

26. We’re vegetarians.

25. Do you think my gut is too big?

24. I’ll have grapefruit and grapes instead of biscuits
and gravy.

23. Honey, we don’t need another dog.

22. Who gives a hoot who won the Civil War?

21. Give me the small bag of pork rinds.

20. Too many deer heads detract from the decor.

19. Spitting is such a nasty habit.

18. I just couldn’t find a thing at Wal-Mart today.

17. Trim the fat off that steak.

16. Cappuccino tastes better than espresso.

15. The tires on that truck are too big.

14. I’ll have the arugula and riadicchio salad.

13. I’ve got it all on the C: drive.

12. Unsweetened tea tastes better.

11. Would you like your fish poached or broiled?

10. My fiance, Bobbie Jo, is registered at Tiffany’s.

9. I’ve got two cases of Zima for the Super Bowl.

8. Little Debbie snack cakes have too many fat grams.

7. Checkmate.

6. Does the salad bar have bean sprouts?

5. Hey, here’s an episode of “Hee Haw” that we haven’t

4. I don’t have a favorite college team.

3. Be sure to bring my salad dressing on the side.

2. You all.

And, Number ONE is:

1. Duct tape won’t fix that.

The Veterinarian Visit

Wednesday, April 28th, 2004

A woman brought a very limp duck into a veterinary surgery. As she lay her pet on the table, the vet pulled out his stethoscope and listened to the bird’s chest. After a moment or two, the vet shook his head sadly and said, “I’m so sorry, Cuddles has passed away.”

The distressed owner wailed, “Are you sure?

“Yes, I am sure. The duck is dead,” he replied.

“How can you be so sure,” she protested. “I mean, you haven’t done any testing on him or anything. He might just be in a coma or something.”

The vet rolled his eyes, turned around and left the room, and returned a few moments later with a black Labrador Retriever. As the duck’s owner looked on in amazement, the dog stood on his hind legs, put his front paws on the examination table and sniffed the duck from top to bottom. He then looked at the vet with sad eyes and shook his head.

The vet patted the dog and took it out, and returned a few moments later with a beautiful cat. The cat jumped up on the table and also sniffed delicately at the bird. The cat sat back on its haunches, shook its head, meowed softly and strolled out of the room.

The vet looked at the woman and said, “I’m sorry, but as I said, this is most definitely, 100% certifiably, a dead duck.”
Then the vet turned to his computer terminal, hit a few keys and produced a bill which he handed to the woman.

The duck’s owner, still in shock, took the bill. “$150!”, she cried, “$150 just to tell me my duck is dead?!!”

The vet shrugged. “I’m sorry. If you’d taken my word for it, the bill would have been only $20, but what with the Lab Report and the Cat Scan ….”

Quote: Phyllis Diller

Tuesday, April 27th, 2004

Women want men, careers, money, children, friends, luxury, comfort, independence, freedom, respect, love and three dollar pantyhose that don’t run.
- Phyllis Diller

The Missing E-Mail Address

Monday, April 26th, 2004

An unemployed man is desperate to support his family. His wife watches TV all day and his three teenage kids have dropped out of high school to hang around with the local toughs. He applies for a janitor’s job at a large firm and easily passes an aptitude test. The human resources manager tells him, “You will be hired at minimum wage of $5.15 an hour. Let me have your e-mail address so that we can get you in the loop. Our system will automatically e- mail you all the forms and advise you when to start and where to report on your first day.”

Taken aback, the man protests that he is poor and has neither a computer nor an e-mail address. To this the manager replies, “You must understand that to a company like ours that means that you virtually do not exist. Without an e-mail address you can hardly expect to be employed by a high-tech firm. Good day.”

Stunned, the man leaves. Not knowing where to turn and having $10 in his wallet, he walks past a farmers’ market and sees a stand selling 25 pound crates of beautiful red tomatoes. He buys a crate, carries it to a busy corner and displays the tomatoes. In less than 2 hours he sells all the tomatoes and makes 100% profit.

Repeating the process several times more that day, he ends up with almost $100 and arrives home that night with several bags of groceries for his family.
During the night he decides to repeat the tomato business the next day. By the end of the week he is getting up early every day and working into the night. He multiplies his profits quickly.

Early in the second week he acquires a cart to transport several boxes of tomatoes at a time, but before a month is up he sells the cart to buy a broken-down pickup truck.
At the end of a year he owns three old trucks. His two sons have left their neighborhood gangs to help him with the tomato business, his wife is buying the tomatoes, and his daughter is taking night courses at the community college so she can keep books for him. By the end of the second year he has a dozen very nice used trucks and employs fifteen previously unemployed people, all selling tomatoes.

He continues to work hard. Time passes and at the end of the fifth year he owns a fleet of ice trucks and a warehouse, which his wife supervises, plus two tomato farms that the boys manage.

The tomato company’s payroll has put hundreds of homeless and jobless people to work. His daughter reports that the business grossed a million dollars.

Planning for the future, he decides to buy some life insurance. Consulting with an insurance adviser, he picks an insurance plan to fit his new circumstances. Then the adviser asks him for his e-mail address in order to send the final documents electronically.

When the man replies that he doesn’t have time to mess with a computer and has no e-mail address, the insurance man is stunned, “What, you don’t have e-mail? No computer? No Internet? Just think where you would be today if you’d had all of that five years ago!”

“Ha!” snorts the man. “If I’d had e-mail five years ago I would be sweeping floors at Microsoft and making $5.15 an hour.”

Which brings us to the moral: ……………………..

Since you read this story on the web or by E-Mail, you’re probably closer to being a janitor than a millionaire.

Sadly, I read it on-line also.

Questions for the Ages

Sunday, April 25th, 2004

Does a clean house indicate that there is a broken computer in it?

Why is it that no matter what color of bubble bath you use the bubbles are always white?

Is there ever a day when mattresses are NOT on sale?

Why do people constantly return to the refrigerator with the hopes that something new to eat will have materialized?

On electric toasters, why do they engrave the message ‘one slice’? How many pieces of bread do they think people are really gonna try to stuff in that slot?

Why do people keep running over a string a dozen times with their vacuum cleaner, then reach down, pick it up, examine it, then put it down to give their vacuum one more chance?

Why is it that no plastic garbage bag will open from the end you first try?
How do those dead bugs get into closed light fixtures?

Considering all the lint you get in your dryer, if you kept drying your clothes would they eventually just disappear?

When we are in the supermarket and someone rams our ankle with a shopping cart then apologizes for doing so, why do we say, ‘Its all right.” It isn’t all right, so why don’t we say, “That hurt, you stupid idiot?”

Why is it that whenever you attempt to catch something that’s falling off the table you always manage to knock something else over?

Is it true that the only difference between a yard sale and a trash pickup is how close to the road the stuff is placed?

In winter, why do we try to keep the house as warm as it was in summer when we complained about the heat?

How come we never hear any father-in-law jokes?

If at first you don’t succeed, shouldn’t you try doing it like your wife told you to?

Quote: Louise Beal

Saturday, April 24th, 2004

Love thy neighbour as yourself, but choose your neighbourhood.
— Louise Beal

Man in the Forest

Friday, April 23rd, 2004

If a man is in the forest, and there isn’t a woman around,
is he still wrong?

Man in the Forest

Friday, April 23rd, 2004

If a man is in the forest, and there isn’t a woman around,
is he still wrong?

The Anit-Catholic Radio Station

Thursday, April 22nd, 2004

I work for a radio and television station owned by a Catholic university.

We were quite surprised to get a complaint about our traffic reporter being “anti-Catholic.”

At first we didn’t have a clue as to what the listener meant until we realized our reporter’s on-air pseudonym is “Skip Church.”

Banned Pets

Wednesday, April 21st, 2004

As chaplain in a university residence hall, I am supposed
to uphold all of the school rules, which include a ban on
pets. That changed when a kitten adopted me.

The freshmen in my dorm kept my secret. They covered for
me by calling my kitten “the Book,” since I had so many in
my room.

One morning I was leaving the dorm with the kitten in a
carrier. A student stopped me and asked, “Where are you
taking the Book?”

I exlained that I was taking the kitten to the vet. “She’s
getting neutered today,” I told him.

“Hmmm,” the student responded, “no sequels.”