Archive for January, 2004

Quote: Samuel Goldwyn

Saturday, January 31st, 2004

Television has raised writing to a new low.

– Samuel Goldwyn

The German Tourist

Saturday, January 31st, 2004

A German tourist walks into a McDonald’s in New York City
and orders a beer. The local guy in the line behind him
immediately gives him a verbal jab, “They don’t serve beer
here, gerry! Where do you think you are?”

The German fellow felt embarrassed for a moment, however he
turned to the New Yorker and begins to chuckle.

“And what’s so funny?” the New Yorker demands.

“Oh, nothing really,” he said with a heavy accent, “I just
realized you actually came here for the food!”

Quote: –President George W. Bush, 2004

Friday, January 30th, 2004

“America is a nation with a mission, and that mission comes
from our most basic beliefs. We have no desire to dominate, no
ambitions of empire. Our aim is a democratic peace — a peace
founded upon the dignity and rights of every man and woman.
America acts in this cause with friends and allies at our side,
yet we understand our special calling: This great republic will
lead the cause of freedom.”

–President George W. Bush, 2004
SOTU Address

Little Emily

Friday, January 30th, 2004

Little Emily ran into the house, crying as though her heart would break.

“What’s wrong, dear?” asked her mother.

“My doll! Billy broke it!” she sobbed.

“How did he break it, Emily?”

“I hit him over the head with it.”

Hilarious Answering Machine Messages

Thursday, January 29th, 2004

Hilarious Answering Machine Messages.

CLick on ‘More’ to see the rest of these.

1. A is for academics, B is for beer. One of those reasons is why we’re not here, so leave a message.

2. Please leave a message. However, you have the right to remain silent. Everything you say will be recorded and will be used by us.

3. Hi. I am probably home. I’m avoiding someone I don’t like. Leave me a message, and if I don’t call back, it’s you.

4. Hi, I’m not at home right now, but my answering machine is, so you can talk to it instead. Wait for the beep.

5. If you are a burglar, then we’re at home cleaning our weapons right now and can’t answer the phone. Otherwise, we probably aren’t home and it is safe to leave us a message.

6.He-lo! This is Santo. If you leave message, I call you soon. If you leave “sexy message,” I call you sooner!

7. Hi! John’s answering machine is broken. This is his refrigerator. Please speak very slowly, and I’ll stick your message to myself with one of these magnets.

8. Hello, You are talking to a machine. I am capable of receiving messages. My owners do not need siding, windows, or a hot tub, and their carpets are clean. They give to charities through their office and do not need their pictures taken. If you’re still with me, leave your name and number and they will get back to you.

9. This is not an answering machine. This is a telepathic thought recording device. After the tone, think about your name, your reason for calling and a number where I can reach you, and I’ll think about returning your call.

10. Hi, this is George. I’m sorry I can’t answer the phone right now. Leave a message, and then wait by your phone until I call you back.

11. Hello, you’ve reached Jim and Sonya. We can’t pick up the phone right now, because we’re doing something we really enjoy. Sonya likes doing it up and down, and I like doing it left to right, real slowly. So leave a message, and when we’re done brushing our teeth, we’ll get back to you.

Quote: From the movie ”Bliss”

Thursday, January 29th, 2004

The entire economy of the Western world is built on things that cause cancer.

– From the 1985 movie “Bliss”

Quote: Alexander Hamilton

Wednesday, January 28th, 2004

“It may perhaps be said that the power of preventing bad laws
includes that of preventing good ones; and may be used to the
one purpose as well as to the other. But this objection will
have little weight with those who can properly estimate the
mischiefs of that inconstancy and mutability in the laws, which
form the greatest blemish in the character and genius of our

–Alexander Hamilton, Federalist No. 73

The Mommy Test

Wednesday, January 28th, 2004

I was out walking with my then 4 year old daughter. She picked up something off the ground and started to put it in her mouth. I asked her not to do that.


“Because it’s been laying outside and is dirty and probably has germs.”

At this point, she looked at me with total admiration and asked, “Wow! How do you know all this stuff?”

“Uh,” I was thinking quickly, everyone knows this stuff, “Um, it’s on the Mommy test. You have to know it, or they don’t let you be a Mommy.”


We walked along in silence for 2 or 3 minutes, but she was evidently pondering this new information.

“I get it!!!!” she beamed. “Then if you flunk, you have to be the Daddy.”

Quote: Lyndon B. Johnson

Tuesday, January 27th, 2004

If two men agree on everything, you may be sure that one of them is doing the thinking.

– Lyndon B. Johnson

Quote: Eric Hoffer

Monday, January 26th, 2004

You can discover what your enemy fears most by observing the means he uses to frighten you.

– Eric Hoffer