Gynzer’s Musings

A German tourist walks into a McDonald’s in New York City
and orders a beer. The local guy in the line behind him
immediately gives him a verbal jab, “They don’t serve beer
here, gerry! Where do you think you are?”

The German fellow felt embarrassed for a moment, however he
turned to the New Yorker and begins to chuckle.

“And what’s so funny?” the New Yorker demands.

“Oh, nothing really,” he said with a heavy accent, “I just
realized you actually came here for the food!”

Little Emily ran into the house, crying as though her heart would break.

“What’s wrong, dear?” asked her mother.

“My doll! Billy broke it!” she sobbed.

“How did he break it, Emily?”

“I hit him over the head with it.”

Hilarious Answering Machine Messages.

CLick on ‘More’ to see the rest of these.

1. A is for academics, B is for beer. One of those reasons is why we’re not here, so leave a message.

2. Please leave a message. However, you have the right to remain silent. Everything you say will be recorded and will be used by us.

3. Hi. I am probably home. I’m avoiding someone I don’t like. Leave me a message, and if I don’t call back, it’s you.

4. Hi, I’m not at home right now, but my answering machine is, so you can talk to it instead. Wait for the beep.

5. If you are a burglar, then we’re at home cleaning our weapons right now and can’t answer the phone. Otherwise, we probably aren’t home and it is safe to leave us a message.

6.He-lo! This is Santo. If you leave message, I call you soon. If you leave “sexy message,” I call you sooner!

7. Hi! John’s answering machine is broken. This is his refrigerator. Please speak very slowly, and I’ll stick your message to myself with one of these magnets.

8. Hello, You are talking to a machine. I am capable of receiving messages. My owners do not need siding, windows, or a hot tub, and their carpets are clean. They give to charities through their office and do not need their pictures taken. If you’re still with me, leave your name and number and they will get back to you.

9. This is not an answering machine. This is a telepathic thought recording device. After the tone, think about your name, your reason for calling and a number where I can reach you, and I’ll think about returning your call.

10. Hi, this is George. I’m sorry I can’t answer the phone right now. Leave a message, and then wait by your phone until I call you back.

11. Hello, you’ve reached Jim and Sonya. We can’t pick up the phone right now, because we’re doing something we really enjoy. Sonya likes doing it up and down, and I like doing it left to right, real slowly. So leave a message, and when we’re done brushing our teeth, we’ll get back to you.

I was out walking with my then 4 year old daughter. She picked up something off the ground and started to put it in her mouth. I asked her not to do that.

“Why?”

“Because it’s been laying outside and is dirty and probably has germs.”

At this point, she looked at me with total admiration and asked, “Wow! How do you know all this stuff?”

“Uh,” I was thinking quickly, everyone knows this stuff, “Um, it’s on the Mommy test. You have to know it, or they don’t let you be a Mommy.”

“Oh.”

We walked along in silence for 2 or 3 minutes, but she was evidently pondering this new information.

“I get it!!!!” she beamed. “Then if you flunk, you have to be the Daddy.”