Gynzer’s Musings

When our second child was on the way, my wife and I attended
a pre-birth class aimed at couples who had already had at
least one child. The instructor raised the issue of breaking
the news to the older child. It went like this:

“Some parents,” she said, “tell the older child, ‘We love
you so much we decided to bring another child into this
family.’ But think about that. Ladies, what if your husband
came home one day and said, ‘Honey, I love you so much I
decided to bring home another wife.’”

One of the women spoke up immediately. “Does she cook?”

My husband’s uncle thought he had conquered his problem of
trying to remember his wife’s birthday and, also, their
anniversary. He opened an account with a florist, provided
that florist with the dates and instructions to send flowers
to his wife on these dates along with an appropriate note
signed, “Your loving husband.”

His wife was thrilled by this new display of attention and
all went well until one day, some bouquets later, when he
came home, kissed his wife and said offhandedly, “Nice
flowers, honey. Where’d you get them?”

A guy walks into a shoe store and asks for a pair of shoes, size 8. The obviously well trained salesman says, “But sir, you take an 11 or eleven-and-a-half.”

“Just bring me a size eight.”

The sales guy brings them and the man stuffs his feet into them and stands up in obvious pain. He turns to the salesman and says, “I’ve lost my house to the I.R.S., I live with my mother-in-law, my daughter ran off with my best friend, and my business has filed Chapter 7.”

“The only pleasure I have left is to come home at night and take my shoes off.”

Two kids are talking to each other. One says, “I’m really worried. My dad works twelve hours a day to give me a nice home and good food. My mom spends the whole day cleaning and cooking for me. I’m worried sick!”

The other kid says, “What have you got to worry about? Sounds to me like you’ve got it made!”

The first kid says, “What if they try to escape?”

Each year the Washington Post’s Style Invitational asks readers to take any word from the dictionary, alter it by adding, subtracting, or changing only one letter and
supply a new definition. Here are some of the 2002 winners:

Intaxication: Euphoria at getting a tax refund, which
lasts until you realize it was your money to start with.

Reintarnation: Coming back to life as a hillbilly.

Giraffiti: Vandalism painted very, very high.

Sarchasm: The gulf between the author of sarcastic wit and
the person who doesn’t get it.

Inoculatte: To take coffee intravenously when you are
running late.

Hipatitis: Terminal coolness.

Karmageddon: It’s like, when everybody is sending off all
these really bad vibes, right? And then, like, the Earth
explodes and it’s like, a serious bummer.

Dopeer Effect: The tendency for stupid ideas to seem
smarter when they come at you rapidly.