Archive for February, 2004

Quote: P. J. O’Rourke

Friday, February 6th, 2004

Fish is the only food that is considered spoiled once it smells like what it is.

– P. J. O’Rourke

The Water Pistol

Thursday, February 5th, 2004

When my three-year-old son opened the birthday gift from his grandmother, he discovered a water pistol. He squealed with delight and headed for the nearest sink. I was not so pleased.

I turned to Mom and said, “I’m surprised at you. Don’t you remember how we used to drive you crazy with water guns?”

Mom smiled and then replied…..”I remember.”

Quote: David Russell

Thursday, February 5th, 2004

We live in a Newtonian world of Einsteinian physics ruled by Frankenstein logic.

– David Russell

Ben Hecht

Thursday, February 5th, 2004

Trying to determine what is going on in the world by reading newspapers is like trying to tell the time by watching the second hand of a clock.

– Ben Hecht

Quote: John Adams

Wednesday, February 4th, 2004

“Each individual of the society has a right to be protected by
it in the enjoyment of his life, liberty, and property, according
to standing laws. He is obliged, consequently, to contribute his
share to the expense of this protection; and to give his personal
service, or an equivalent, when necessary. But no part of the
property of any individual can, with justice, be taken from him,
or applied to public uses, without his own consent, or that of
the representative body of the people. In fine, the people of
this commonwealth are not controllable by any other laws than
those to which their constitutional representative body have
given their consent.”

–John Adams

Foot Definition

Wednesday, February 4th, 2004

Foot: A special device for finding furniture in the dark.

Quote: Thomas Jefferson

Tuesday, February 3rd, 2004

“We must make our election between economy and liberty, or
profusion and servitude.”

–Thomas Jefferson

Biggest Idiots of 2003

Tuesday, February 3rd, 2004

Well here they are … the biggest and stupidest idiots for last year … ready on …

Number One Idiot of 2003

I am a medical student currently doing a rotation in toxicology at the poison control center. Today, this woman called in very upset because she caught her little daughter eating ants. I quickly reassured her that the ants are not harmful and there would be no need to bring her daughter into the hospital. She calmed down and at the end of the conversation happened to mention that she gave her daughter some ant poison to eat in order to kill the ants. I told her that she better bring her daughter into the emergency room right away.

Number Two Idiot of 2003

Early this year, some Boeing employees on the airfield decided to steal a life raft from one of the 747s. They were successful in getting it out of the plane and home. Shortly after they took it for a float on the river, they noticed a Coast Guard helicopter coming towards them. It turned out that the chopper was homing in on the emergency locator beacon that activated when the raft was inflated. They are no longer employed at Boeing.

Number Three Idiot of 2003

A true story out of San Francisco: A man, wanting to rob a downtown Bank of America, walked into the branch and wrote “this iz a stikkup. Put all your muny in this bag.” While standing in line, waiting to give his note to the teller, he began to worry that someone had seen him write the note and might call the police before he reached the teller’s window. So he left the Bank of America and crossed the street to Wells Fargo. After waiting a few minutes in line, he handed his note to the Wells Fargo teller. She read it and, surmising from his spelling errors that he wasn’t the brightest light in the harbor, told him that she could not accept his stickup note because it was written on a Bank of America deposit slip and that he would either have to fill out a Wells Fargo deposit slip or go back to Bank of America. Looking somewhat defeated, the man said, “OK” and left. He was arrested a few minutes later, as he was waiting in line back at Bank of America.

Number four Idiot of 2003

A motorist was unknowingly caught in an automated speed trap that measured his speed using radar and
photographed his car. He later received in the mail a ticket for $40 and a photo of his car. Instead of payment, he sent the police department a photograph of $40. Several days later, he received a letter from the police that contained another picture, this time of handcuffs. He immediately mailed in his $40.

Number Five Idiot of 2003

A guy walked into a little corner store with a shotgun and demanded all of the cash from the cash drawer. After the cashier put the cash in a bag, the robber saw a bottle of Scotch that he wanted behind the counter on the shelf. He told the cashier to put it in the bag as well, but the cashier refused and said, “Because I don’t believe you are over 21.” The robber said he was, but the clerk still refused to give it to him because he didn’t believe him. At this point, the robber took his driver’s license out of his wallet and gave it to the clerk. The clerk looked it over and agreed that the man was in fact over 21 and he put the Scotch in the bag. The robber then ran from the store with his loot. The cashier promptly called the police and gave the name and address of the robber that he got off the license. They arrested the robber two hours later.

Idiot Number Six of 2003

A pair of Michigan robbers entered a record shop nervously waving revolvers. The first one shouted, “Nobody move!” When his partner moved, the startled first bandit shot him.

Idiot Number Seven of 2003

Arkansas: Seems this guy wanted some beer pretty badly. He decided that he’d just throw a cinder block through a liquor store window, grab some booze, and run. So he lifted the cinder block and heaved it over his head at the window. The cinder block bounced back and hit the would-be thief on the head, knocking him unconscious. It seems the liquor store window was made of Plexi-Glass. The whole event was caught on videotape.

Idiot Number Eight of 2003

Ann Arbor: The Ann Arbor News crime column reported that a man walked into a Burger King in Ypsilanti, Michigan at 12:50 A. M., flashed a gun and demanded cash. The clerk turned him down because he said he couldn’t open the cash register without a food order. When the man ordered onion rings, the clerk said they weren’t available for breakfast. The man, frustrated, walked away.

Quote: Carl Sandburg

Monday, February 2nd, 2004

I won’t take my religion from any man who never works except with his mouth.

– Carl Sandburg

Saint Louis Visitors Guide

Monday, February 2nd, 2004

St. Louis Visitors Guide

If you live in St. Louis, you’ll understand this.
If you’ve ever visited St. Louis you’ll understand this.
If you’ve never been to St. Louis, this is your first and ONLY warning

Read On …..