Archive for April, 2004

Banned Pets

Wednesday, April 21st, 2004

As chaplain in a university residence hall, I am supposed
to uphold all of the school rules, which include a ban on
pets. That changed when a kitten adopted me.

The freshmen in my dorm kept my secret. They covered for
me by calling my kitten “the Book,” since I had so many in
my room.

One morning I was leaving the dorm with the kitten in a
carrier. A student stopped me and asked, “Where are you
taking the Book?”

I exlained that I was taking the kitten to the vet. “She’s
getting neutered today,” I told him.

“Hmmm,” the student responded, “no sequels.”

Quote: Mark Twain

Tuesday, April 20th, 2004

“Why not go out on a limb? That’s where all the fruit is.”

- Mark Twain

The Slow Worker

Monday, April 19th, 2004

Martin was a slow worker and found it difficult to hold down a job. After a visit to the job centre he was offered work at the local Zoo.

When he arrived for his first day, the keeper aware of his reputation told him to take care of the tortoise section.

Later, the keeper dropped by to see how Martin was getting on and found him standing by an empty enclosure.
“Where are the tortoises?” he asked him.

“I can’t believe it” said Martin “I just opened the door and then…..Whooooosh!”

Quote: ALbert Einstein

Sunday, April 18th, 2004

Do not worry about your difficulties in Mathematics. I can assure you mine are still greater.
— Albert Einstein

Quote: Lily Tomlin

Saturday, April 17th, 2004

The trouble with the rat race is that even if you win, you’re still a rat.

– Lily Tomlin

Your Dog’s New Years Reolutions

Friday, April 16th, 2004

1. I will not play tug-of-war with Daddy’s underwear when
he’s on the can.

2. I will remember the garbage collector is NOT stealing
our stuff.

3. I will not suddenly stand straight up when I’m lying
under the coffee table.

4. I will not roll my toys behind the fridge.

5. I will shake the rainwater out of my fur BEFORE
entering the house.

6. I will not eat the cat’s food, before, or after, he
eats it.

7. I will stop trying to find new places on the carpet
when I am about to throw up.

8. I will not throw up in the car.

9. I will not roll on dead things.

10. I will stop considering the cat’s litter box as a
cookie jar.

11. I will not wake up Mommy by putting my cold, wet nose
up her bottom end.

12 . I will not chew my human’s toothbrush and not tell

13. I will not chew crayons or pens, especially not the
red ones, or my people will think that I am hemorrhaging.

14. When in the car, I will not insist on having the
window rolled down when it’s raining outside.

15. I will not drop soggy tennis balls in the underwear of
anyone who is sitting on the can.

16. We do not have a doorbell. Therefore, I will not bark
each time I hear one on the television.

17. I will not steal my Mommy’s underwear out of the
laundry basket and then dance all over the back yard with

18. I will remember the sofa is not a face towel and
neither are Mommy’s & Daddy’s laps.

19. I will remember my head does not belong in the

20. I will not bite the officer’s hand when he reaches in
for Mommy’s driver’s license and car registration.

eternal Youth Tablets

Thursday, April 15th, 2004

The police recently busted a man selling ’secret formula’ tablets he claimed gave eternal youth.

When going through their files they noticed it was the fifth time he was caught for committing this same criminal medical fraud.

He had earlier been arrested in 1794, 1856, 1928 and 1983.

Quote: E. V. Lucas

Wednesday, April 14th, 2004

I have noticed that the people who are late are often so much jollier than the people who have to wait for them.

— E. V. Lucas

Quote: Thomas Jefferson

Tuesday, April 13th, 2004

“I consider the government of the United States as interdicted by
the Constitution from intermeddling with religious institutions,
their doctrines, discipline, or exercises. This results not
only from the provision that no law shall be made respecting the
establishment or free exercise of religion, but from that also
which reserves to the States the powers not delegated to the
United States. Certainly, no power to prescribe any religious
exercise or to assume authority in any religious discipline has
been delegated to the General Government. It must then rest with
the States.”

–Thomas Jefferson

The wrong part

Monday, April 12th, 2004

A parts manager for a small electronics shop, had occasion to order part No. 669 from the factory. But when he received it he noticed that someone had sent part No. 699 instead.

Furious at the factory’s incompetence, he promptly sent the part back along with a letter giving them a piece of his mind.

Less than a week later, he received the same part back with a letter containing just four words: “TURN THE PART OVER.”