Two kids are talking to each other. One says, “I’m really worried. My dad works twelve hours a day to give me a nice home and good food. My mom spends the whole day cleaning and cooking for me. I’m worried sick!”
The other kid says, “What have you got to worry about? Sounds to me like you’ve got it made!”
The first kid says, “What if they try to escape?”
Each year the Washington Post’s Style Invitational asks readers to take any word from the dictionary, alter it by adding, subtracting, or changing only one letter and
supply a new definition. Here are some of the 2002 winners:
Intaxication: Euphoria at getting a tax refund, which
lasts until you realize it was your money to start with.
Reintarnation: Coming back to life as a hillbilly.
Giraffiti: Vandalism painted very, very high.
Sarchasm: The gulf between the author of sarcastic wit and
the person who doesn’t get it.
Inoculatte: To take coffee intravenously when you are
running late.
Hipatitis: Terminal coolness.
Karmageddon: It’s like, when everybody is sending off all
these really bad vibes, right? And then, like, the Earth
explodes and it’s like, a serious bummer.
Dopeer Effect: The tendency for stupid ideas to seem
smarter when they come at you rapidly.
60 above – Floridians wear coats, gloves, and wooly hats.
Canadian people sunbathe.
50 above – New Yorkers try to turn on the heat.
Canadian people plant gardens.
40 above – Italian cars won’t start.
Canadian people drive with the windows down.
32 above – Distilled water freezes.
Lake Ontario’s water gets thicker.
20 above – Californians shiver uncontrollably.
Canadian people have the last cookout before it gets cold.
15 above – New York landlords finally turn up the heat.
Canadian people throw on a sweatshirt.
0 degrees – Californians fly away to Mexico.
Canadian people lick the flagpole and throw on a light jacket over the sweatshirt.
20 below – People in Miami cease to exist.
Canadian people get out their winter coats.
40 below – Hollywood disintegrates.
Canada’s Girl Scouts begin selling cookies door to door.
50 below – Santa Claus abandons the North Pole.
Canadian people get frustrated when they can’t thaw the keg.
60 below – Microbial life survives on dairy products.
Canadian cows complain of farmers with cold hands.
460 below – ALL atomic motion stops.
Canadian people start saying. . .”Cold ’nuff for ya??”
500 below – Hell freezes over.
The Toronto Blue Jays win the World Series
After 50 years of wondering why he didn’t look like his
younger sister or brother, the man finally got up the nerve
to ask his mother if he was adopted.
“Yes, you were son,” his mother said as she started to cry
softly. “but it didn’t work out and they brought you back.”
A fellow is getting ready to tee-off on the first hole when a second fellow approaches and asks if he can join him. The first says that he usually plays alone but agrees to let the second guy join him.
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Both are even after the first couple of holes. The second guy says, “Say, we’re about evenly matched, how about we play for five bucks a hole?”
The first fellow says that he usually plays alone and doesn’t like to bet but agrees to the terms. Well, the second guy wins the rest of the holes and as they’re walking off of the eighteenth hole, and while counting his $80.00, he confesses
that he’s the pro at a neighboring course and likes to pick on suckers.
The first fellow reveals that he’s the Parish Priest at the local Catholic Church to which the second fellow gets all flustered and apologetic and offers to give the Priest back his money. The Priest says, “No, no. You won fair and square and I was foolish to bet with you. You keep your winnings.”
The pro says, “Well, is there anything I can do to make it up to you?”
The Priest says, “Well, you could come to Mass on Sunday and make a donation. Then, if you bring your mother and father by after Mass, I’ll marry them for you.”
Students at school were asked to write about the harmful effects of oil on fish. One 11-year old wrote, “When my mom opened a tin of sardines last night it was full of oil and all the sardines were dead.”
Before – You take my breath away.
After – I feel like I’m suffocating….
Before – She says she loves the way I take control of a situation.
After – She called me a controlling, manipulative egomaniac.
Before – Saturday Night Fever
After – Monday Night Football
Before – Is that all you’re having?
After – Maybe you should have just a salad, Honey.
Before – $60/doz.
After – $1.50/stem
Before – We agree on everything.
After – Doesn’t she have a mind of her own?
Before – Charming and Noble
After – Chernobyl
Before – Idol
After – Idle
Before – He’s completely lost without me.
After – Why won’t he ever ask for directions?
Before – Croissant and cappuccino
After – Bagel and instant
Before – Oysters
After – Fishsticks